andrew jordan

From the Hudson Valley, New York

About this freebird

I first made this blog when I was 16, now I am 20 and living in Los Angeles, CA. My dream has always been compelled by inspiring others. I want to write a book about my life sometime before I die and to do all the things on my checklist. Here is where that journey all starts.


Blog posts

The Spring and Summer Collection


Passion isn’t a word we really hear anymore but it does raise the question as to why. For years, we are told what we should do and it’s followed by the things “life” deems us having to do. I never understood why being happy wasn’t a priority to us anymore. I used to watch the news, our New York station. I remember hearing a lot of bad news and then the weather, and at the young age I had always wondered when things would get better. I remember school years and how we were always taught to be the change we wish to see, but all of us were acting like because we had been hurt it would make sense to hurt others. I was always more of a quiet kid, except at school thats where I was me. But what came at a cost was my parents not liking rather them falling in love with the idea of me. Unfortunately that relationship turned into something else but it taught me a little more about what why meant. Why is what you ask when you've been kicked to the bottom, ran over and told you deserve to be there right before they say “ I love you” but I still couldnt explain the feeling I’d had in my gut. So some time passing and that feeling continued and never once left. Passion. It’s something that keeps you going and the first thing that remind you why. As you discover whatever your passion is the more life makes sense. The happiness in life comes down to that simple word passion and who or what you have it for determines just how happy you are going to be. Passion helps you understand the things about yourself you didn't know you needed to know. Life has a crazy way of helping you find what it is, the rest is up to you.




Winter and Fall Collection


they tried convincing us that not everyone we lost was a loss but i say thats fucking bullshit. everyone you meet gives you something no one else can, they teach you a specific lesson. so when the lesson that person teaches you is how to be happy after heartbreak, who are you to quiz yourself with the same person who broke you.

by the time you realized you'd lost what you now say you loved, you realized all the pain you caused. not everyone you lost was a loss but when you lost that one person you begin to realize you caused that. so the tweets about how youd been done wrong looked hypocritical and meant nothing because as you wandered old hallways and classrooms trying to learn old lessons, you realized you left someone sitting in one alone.

you begin to trip up in the lies and try to convince yourself that they are all the enemy but the only monster is yourself. if you really loved the person you talked with until 6am with in the car, and told family and friends about you wouldn't have hurt them. you wouldn't have hurt the person who believes your lies as you stare at their innocent eyes. the person who defended you against everything they said. everything they said was true. you don't fuck your ex and cover it up, you don't fool around with someone else and say you love your ex. you don't convince someone to feel safe as you scorch them with false hope. but you make those bad decisions and now you have learn from them.

this time around you're left with a racing heart and a gun. that gun has one bullet. you can either prove to your love that you've learned your lesson and pull the trigger or you can not use it all. the only person you pulled that trigger for was yourself and the only person who cared was on the floor. their friends gather them. and bring them to safety and he breathes clean air. he realizes that you'd been lying to him and covering it up and by now the only reason why you cared was because you had no bullets, those bullets represent the chances. you blew it.



I can’t describe how unbelievably sad I am to have to ever have to write this but it can’t stay in any longer. The people you stare at and wonder about are the only thing keeping us all going, but it comes at an expense. Sometimes the people taking out loans have no intentions of paying it back. They will take all you have got and take a walk, but what they take isn’t money what they take happens to be you. Right now, all mine is broken and by mine is those who have been given me. I think it’s crazy how more people have me than I do and that scares me. I’ve lost everything I had ever loved and by this time I can’t afford to ever care as much again but that’s no way to live. So I convince myself with the same breathe in another sentence to give the wrong people second chances. But with my luck by the time I’ve let them in they’ve already left with pieces of me I can’t get back. The fear sets in and you begin to believe they’re out to get you and are talking about you. Maybe they are and they’ll end every I’m kidding with a laugh but the truths in the beginning they had intentions of exposing you with every just kidding and having to be so closed off isn’t how id planned on living. From day one you’ve had to adapt just to fit in and just in case you every felt secure they would remind you that you were different. Holy shit it’s like I can’t breathe but at the same time we have all the oxygen that well ever need but we can’t seem to admit we need. What kills you most now is what happens when you believe because when you do, you are given hope and nothings worst that false hope. The person you care for lets you down and you agree to a second round and they give you hope and they do it again. Now you’re lost because you just enough gas to get to the gas station but they convinced you together you’d have enough to go farther. Now you’re stranded and you can’t get anything anymore you’re speechless and cover it up with “I’m just tired” but don’t fool me, you just cant take it anymore. This heart and mind battle is nothing short of a war. But we don’t get guns we get words and the worst among them are those that are felt but never heard. Let me kill you now with the worst among them, you know what you deserve better but you won’t ever let them leave. You’re not strong enough and you’re wasting your time. I get so hung up on the last line like damn. What we think is ours will never be mine and as I sit there and watch him call you his and me hoping to be called mine but only in sometime and attached with a maybe. YOU ARE KILLING ME BABY. It’s not that I don’t love you because I do but I can’t call it love because love shouldn’t feel like this and to think it all started way back then and here we are again. Now you’re locked in and can’t escape because either way forward is three steps back and the pain will hurt so much you may never make it back. Getting stabbed in the back is a habit and now you’re too scared because the what ifs are always right there. You have to care just to see it continue but they’ll look you in your eyes and say what has got in you. And karma is on the menu, so your work will be done but it’s hard to see the one you care for get served and then learn so you stick around and now you’re one of them a hypocrite now. That’s the worst I know but the pain is how you grow and so you continue to stay until the one day where you can’t take no more and suicide becomes an option and your dead on the floor. You’re gone now but your problems aren’t they line minds like land mines and you’re still explosive it’s haunting. You’re problems don’t get solved because you’ve died they have no chance of getting better. Are they really worth your words, are they even worth a letter? So do you mean the I’m fine and call it the truth or is it becoming a metaphor for whatever is on your mind getting ready to be let lose but the gate is hate and the problems you face but the gates just a gate right, so you hope it will open but when it does can you take the emotion? When I leave should I give you the questions or the answers? Is it worth all the pain any longer? Will they really care? Is that why you’re doing this to see if they care? Just know you’re not alone and I’m here even if it’s just one person because believe me I can tell you all about hurting and having it be the cause of just one person. But yes maybe you do deserve more but sometimes you don’t get more only what you’ve wished for. So be careful what you wish for because I can tell you all of our problems stem from something we wished for… but before I let you go, I want to warn you about the word almost. Be careful of it because the worst word is almost, think about all the almosts that never was and now think about whatever it is you’re thinking about. Like I said don’t feed into almost and let them control your mind and heart. Accept what is.




I can tell you this: Nobody gets out alive. And by alive I don't mean you not breathing anymore, I mean the you that struggles to gain a breath after you find out the horrible news. The you that believes this broken world is still beautiful but everything you love destroys your innocence. The type of dead where you wake up later than the rest and stay awake far longer than they will. The type of misunderstandings that have your parents unable to recognize the child they've raised. The type of hurt that hits you when you need love the most. The type of storm that makes you realize that hurricanes get named after people and no matter how hard you try to rebuild it never will be what it was, so storms because a lot like trust. The doubts start to rot you're free spirit and you noticed your sluggish these days. You realize you could talk for days to the right person but that won't give you your oxygen back. The type of murder thats hard to trace back to people because there's more than one weapon, most are words. Phrases like "I'm not like the rest" and "I love you" make you put salt on your wounds convinced that the pain is always temporary but the salt will heal it. But when I tell you nothing is forever you're gonna feel it. It'll stay on your skin like your crush's scent but linger long enough to make you hate it. These day few people kill themselves intentionally, my generation will be dead far before the previous one because it's become addicting to stay around the things that kill us far longer than we're supposed to. So as you crawl to you're last breath and you're life becomes a struggle to regain oxygen make sure you don't give the things that suffocated you the satisfaction of hearing your angelic voice one last time.


Forgetting (Sequel to 'Forever')

I can't tell you what forever may feel like but I can describe the pain of not forgetting. The constant reminder of something you desperately want to forget makes your stomach turn. You try your best to forget and suppress it but it only makes it grow stronger. You cling to quotes you see online, ones like "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" but you lose yourself in the truth. People are never yours and sometimes your turn doesn't last very long at all. You may lose your mind trying to stay on someone else's. Lose yourself to the point your family can't recognize their loved one. Lost in a world you can't afford to be lost in, looking in public mirrors see just how much pain the truth is causing. You may try to run and break things off but just know that it only continues until it destroys you. Nobody gets out of love alive, the person you fell for had once died and if they didn't perish yet they're postponing their funeral. They've got the last person on the mind, on their breath or even in their bed. The truth paralyzes you to the point you don't want to get up or speak. You go on for weeks pretending that everything is fine. Remember that everything passes with time, heartbreaks don't come with stop watches so it may take a while. The process will do everything it can to rob you of your smile but promise me that you won't let it. Don't become who had hurt you, then the cycle continues and the next angel falls from Heaven to burn in Hell. You don't need that on your mind. Breathe and one day you may be able to mean it when you reply "I'm fine."




These days it takes a million scars to see the cause. We allow ourselves to become so broken in hope that one day it will get better. We have a bad habit of destroying the things we love; why is it that we pick flowers with no remorse? Give them to the ones we love and wonder why that love will one day fade. We’re all lost on the idea that love will one day fix us, and that someone out there will fix us. So we gamble now and put our hearts in the hands of those who don’t deserve it. We like to compromise when it comes to those we choose and label it perfect. We risk who we are for what we are and sometime that makes the time go by but when the time is over, who’d you become. We’re turning into the things we said we never would and with a chance to go back and fix those mistakes we never should. See it’s not about changing or competing with the past, its realizing its time and place. I’d love you like I’d loved you before, each in different situations. We will never say “I love you” the same way twice. Stop trying to replace the people you cared for but can’t afford to any longer and realize that better lies ahead. Be strong enough to break off the people who change you into the person your second grade self said you’d never be. Live a little because if you haven’t realized nothing is forever. We’re surrounded by temporary forever’s and people who promise to stay. I too am to blame. I don’t intend on staying with you forever and I’m sorry I made you feel that way. Truth is I won’t be around for long but the impact I’ll have will be strong and last forever. Please realize that the best times come when you let go of the things you thought for so long and convinced yourself you could never live without. Breathe in and breathe out. Live and let go. If you hold on too long you’ll end up missing what you needed the most, the same way I can leave you now and still miss you. Be kind, please.


Forever YoungPhylosopher

Lessons Learned

They tried to convince me that one day, hopefully soon I would learn from my mistakes. It may take a lot of pain but one day I would understand the things they too learned the hard way. I lived most of my life in question, never fully behind the things I did. I guess you can say I had doubts but nothing caused more uncertainty than the way they made me feel. The softness in their voice disarmed an already shattered heart and the large walls that took so long to protect me where just memoires. They laid in an array of chaos and I had no intention to solve that. My first lesson came from what felt good may not always be good. I’d gotten so caught up in the “how it could be’s” that I started ignoring the “why it shouldn’ts”. I started overthinking to prove myself right that they had been the ones wrong. But there stood a beautiful angel covered in blood with scars the size of castles and the tears that could drown a moon. The question became a “when?” and the answer wasn’t clear and it wasn’t telling when it would be. They had made it so far with the persona of a heartless soul but I wasn’t fouled. I played the game in order to understand it but couldn’t live with the final score. Would you play the entire season if you know you had no real chance at the title? I’d learned that my time more than anything was my greatest gift followed by my heart. The people I’d devoted feelings for would be the ones that had power over me. I hadn’t learned the fine art of leaving in time. Maybe I stayed longer than they suggested but to me I had stayed long enough. Enough to have left my imprint of those very walls that protected them and the ones they hadn’t known existed. When they talked I had always been the one that listened and deep down I know that when I am successful I would be the one that they were missing. The one they were currently kissing hadn’t had their full heart and it didn’t take the millions of miles it felt we spent apart for me to realize that. In life you give people chances, chances to prove to you why they deserve more time, why the others were wrong. In the back of your mind you spend your time trying to prove them worthy of the respect of your loved ones. But there comes a time when the feelings become hidden and they can’t be seen anymore even if they were there. I had been given options and ways out, the things I had thought I wanted and an easy way to get everything I had wished for. I had waited to decide because maybe I was waiting for the hope to die but I guess for us at least our flaws consisted of that hope never perishing, we’d feed it nightly with doubts and the exit signs when things got confusing where always around. The worst part is the not knowing but that’s the part I learned to deal with because I could live my whole life in a bubble not wanting to feel the way I had when my last lesson turned sour but those lessons got me here so here on I want to take the risks with beautiful monsters as we all are and see how the things that make us feel alive end up killing us but we decide when and that’s what I had learned. The power in relationship is always in my hand and I deserved to feel as happy as I should, the less unknowns the better so maybe I would get rid of the people who made me feel average. I had dreams bigger than the people that are right now, and if they had seen what I did they would had never second guessed me in the first place. I started pursuing people who had things going for themselves, a future that was vibrant and colorful as mine because I'm interested in someone to spend growing next to not just anyone to get comfortable at the bottom with. Going further I plan on giving my heart and time to those who make it clear they want mine and give it in return. No relationship should lose communication, the effective kind and you should never cut off the people who give a shit about you because you only get a few of them in a life time and sometimes their few and far between. Learning how to lose the argument and not the person had been one thing that saved me and at the end of the day it’s not how many people love you, it’s about the few that love you deeply and unconditionally. Just a few lessons a broken soul learned that made them feel whole again.


these Moments

Life is all about the moments. The ones that make us feel somethings, the ones that take our breath away. Sometimes the moment last longer than others and sometimes the moment is as fragile as losing a brother. It's hard to walk around the world everyday with something to hide, made to feel as if you are uncover. But through doing so you learn things like what it means to have a mother, what it means to mean it when you say that you love her. The life we know is nothing without emotions and sometimes they have a habit of running deep. Deep enough that you find yourself starring at the ceiling when you know you should really be asleep. I remember the nights where Id lost my appetite and the last thing I ever wanted to do was eat. I remember thinking that out of everyone in the world, why did this have to be happening to me. Little did I know that the struggles made me me. I learned that not everyone will love you the way you love others. Not everyone will care as deeply as you may. Not a soul will every truly understand you but many may have you thinking they've come close. You'll probably say "This is the one, they're different than all the others" a few times. You may find that somebody out there isn't satisfied with you being sad all the time. They'll stop at nothing to make you happy. Try to make you see that life is a gift and every time you smile you are re-gifting. Nowadays it hard to find someone that care when everyone hears and doesn't take the time to listen. We listen with the intent to reply and not to understand. That's why I try to make you know I'm here if you ever need a hand. 


Shattered. I had been let down again by the same people I put most of my faith in. I lose myself every time I say the words "I trust you" and even more so every time i try to explain my feelings. I realized that as I had gotten older it become harder to do both and those in which they were said to became less frequent and more spaced apart. The palms of my hands always used to sweat as my heart pumped faster than the high we could get from drugs. I used to love seeing you because it was like sunshine on a rainy day. I grew up one day and realized that I used to kill myself every time I told myself anything with us was possible. More often than not we break our own hearts by the expectations we set and expect to others to rise to meet. I find myself picturing scenarios and allowing my mind to veer off until it becomes an impossible for the other person to meet. I then out of frustration with the occurrence of heart breaks blame the other person. Losing our sense of responsibility to what had been our own suicide. It's our expectations of what should be that kills us far more frequently than any person could have ever. 


She hadn't slept in weeks she told me. She forgot what dreams felt like. She was lost in a different reality, she would over-think every night. She used to hold on to the things that hurt her because they were the only things that made her feel. She used to cry herself to sleep because she just couldn't deal, with the pain anymore. She had nightmares of the futures and the future struggle that have yet to come up. She was pretty to the public, had her hair all done up, she had to be in working condition by the sun up because with a smile that hide the darkness she could never speak her truth. The lies killed her slowly like the edge of a blade, until one night she came along a photo and that's when she caved. She had been so strong for so long but this is the girl the world made. She was so far gone she couldn't be saved. I told her she was worth it, try to convince her she was perfect that she had been a life and she deserved it. We drifted. She went elsewhere and I can't go up there but she wasn't alone anymore. She was in peace now, looking down on a world that she had said was better off now. She left behind families and dreams, all because reality had a way of being more fucked up than it seemed.

Like Me

There's too many kids like me and that scares me. There are too many people that go through most of their life wondering if they meant something to someone, and the worst part is you get your answers on your death bed. The people around you all seem happy while you realize that your life is really crappy. It doesn't make sense that by the time you get to live you're already dead on the inside. All the adults killed the kid inside, I can see my childhood coming to an end every time I lose touch with a childhood friend. Life's about swimming in the deep end, find a place to put your feet when you're searching for the right person to love or maybe the right friend. I can't relate to the people who have always had it all, I find myself trying to love the ones who have scrapped knees because that hints they're used to the fall. Money is a problem as it is for all of us. The mall is a reminder of the people we are not and the choices that we have. We could become the people who buy material things or become the people who dedicate their lives to money, i saw the choices and couldn't settle with a pre-paved path.I was never good with Math but I always understood the numbers. The truth is the odds are against you but it take you to rise up, I think about giving up and pretending I hadn't promised the future a present I had never lived, maybe I am a dreamer. I like to think I'm just the kid.. the kid that survived


My drug of choice had always been you. I crave your presence like the needle and when you spoke my name on your soft lips, I'd almost forgotten to breathe. Unlike the other drugs I'd been exposed to, this provided a rush. One so strong that no matter the hour of the night, I'd never forget you. You were always on my mind. My problem is that you're no longer my addiction, you're happy being someone else's. You let them become addicted now and I don't blame them, to me you're perfect. It's hardest to remind myself it's better I stayed sober but everytime I see you around or in the memories my mind replays, I am reminded. Not everything has to be touch in order to be felt and there had been no such thing as a drug as addictive as you.

"Nothing, hbu?"

Endlessly receiving the message "nothing, hbu?" and even worse more often than not, I'm the one sending it in the first place. The message is nothing more than a code. Perhaps a way to let the person on the other end know that things are not quite as perfect as they seem. The message is also a test. It shows that there are walls and many very high, it weeds out very quickly those who are willing to climb them and demolish them. I get lost in the ideas that maybe someone wants to get lost finding me. Somebody that understands that my soul lives lightyears away and the person that cares. Many will come through your life and say they love and care but the ones who do, will have shown you. The people who are meant to be by your side fighting the battles life gives are the one the ones you'll never need to question their position. Those people are most likely the ones who aren't satisfied with "nothing, hbu?" and will persistantly get to understand the most beautiful thing called the mind.


I found out that not everyone that surrounds you is your friends. The reality is that most people will never learn your middle name or know your birthday and even less will discover your little pet peeves and favorite things. What damages us the most is the idea that everyone is our best friends because they happen to invest a larger quantity of time that the last person had and the other people around them ever did. SO let's fast forward to when these people you said you'd loved and cared about hold some of your deepest thoughts and most unstable emotions. They've come to understand the parts of you that you don't. They don't know how to handle you and neither do you and so the only people that had ever showed they cared, you push away. This isn't is the first person that tried to support you, there are many. Those people can relate to the way you seem so mysterious and closed off. These people all walk around with a piece of you that you may never get the chance to get back, even more they walk around with you. Old best friends drift as they will and you find yourself at an ocean of unknowns and the only thing that comes to shore are the skeletons of who you thought you were and the waves of who you were becoming. The distant sun proves that nothing stays and things get replaced. The moon guides you to the only place you've ever felt yourself and that is wherever you feel alone. The feeling of being alone is one we often bring upon our self. With thoughts of being alone we walk around as skeletons, dead. They seem to only care about us when we're pretty or dead but who's to say that the next person we meet isn't already dead..

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