"Paradox" by Rianne Johns

Ive spent a great deal of my life trying to re invent myself. Constantly saying "I just need change" or "im not who i want to be". This year, however, has been quite a bit different. Somewhere along the way i began to realize that life is not and has never been about "finding yourself." at least not for me. What does that even mean, "finding yourself"? Does anyone really know? Probably not. After searching and searching for this said meaning-this self actualization-to no avail , i took a step back and changed my perspective. I weighed my likes and dislikes , my wants and needs, my positive and negative traits, basically everything that i consider to be a part of what makes me, well, me. And I realized that if i did that every day , i would never come out with the same answers. Who i am now is not who i was yesterday nor is it who i will be tomorrow. My mind is constantly expanding, filling with new ideas and experiences- perspectives on life. There is only one constant to which I am aware of . For the past 3 or 4 years of my life I've been obsessed with the word Paradox and everything it represents. I never really thought too deeply into why until just recently. Everything about me is a Paradox. Contradictory to the point of being nearly impossible. I am a hopeless romantic yet a brutal realist, an outcast yet the most extrovert socialite you can imagine, thoughtful and cautious, yet somehow also selfish and impulsive. This realization got me thinking. I love myself on my deep and emotional days, but i also love myself when I feel like being, for lack of a better word, vapid or ignorant. I will be who I am in that moment and nothing else. I spent so long trying to put a label on myself , fit myself into some non existent category, when really all i had to do was be. Live. Experience each day with an open mind. Give in to my own paradox

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