behind the scenes

The thoughts in my mind are always in motion

Like the ocean

High tides and low tides 

My emotions 

Sway back and fourth

It's hard to explain to those who haven't been through

Things that I have endured 

I deal with troubles behind closed doors. 

 

They say the eyes never lie, 

So when you told me you loved me 

I knew it wasn't real.

I knew I'd have to get over it eventually

The pain I would deal

With made me think 

Is it worth it?

 

My mother would argue with me over the smallest things, 

Laundry or trash

Not doing well enough in class. 

When Id come home 2 in the morning 

She'd act like it was the end of the world,

When in fact I would be by myself

Thinking about

How to put my worries on a shelf.

 

The bookcases filled with all my mind has to offer,

If you looked inside my head,

It would seem like a coffin.

Buried dreams and broken hearts

I couldn't fix 

Or bring to life.

Is it worth it?

 

I left myself alone..

Thinking it would make things better,

Hoping my clouded mind,

Would clear up like sunny weather.

But it didn't.

 

Instead I am constantly pondering,

If my worries are anything at all

Compared to people who have nothing at all

And I realize 

Everybody has a story to tell.

..is it worth it?

 

I'd wish my grades were better,

Then come to realization,

I have bigger storms to endeavor 

Like how my fists would always be bloody 

Punching walls like I was Mayweather.

 

I'd wish I'd be able to deal with depression 

When it hit me like a train

My aim

Would flunk 

And I'd always lose the game

Is it worth it?

 

My anxiety would be too much to handle

It would be okay one second

And the next it would be at another level.

Like the devil

Watching and laughing over me

I get caught up in my head

And it destroys me.

 

I know I have people to turn to

But it's not like they could understand

Feel the pain I do

Or help me make amends.

I'm haunted by these feelings

Is it worth it?

 

Always seeming lost

I have nothing to guide me

I feel like there's a little bitch

Inside of me.

"Who cares?"

"It doesn't matter"

 

Id wish my family would accept me more

Instead of being kicked out

The black sheep not fitting in

Id have so many doubts 

Is this it worth it?

 

I drink away my sorrows 

Smoke away my fears

If you'd take a deeper look

It'd be clear 

 

I'm torn between continuing 

Or letting go

Who the fuck would care

If a loner

Would really have to go.

Is it worth it,?