Thoughts before bed...
What am I doing wrong? What do I need to change? I burnt my old bridges, now it's time for me to really say goodbye. I need to let go of what was, and live with what is . I can't expect change if I keep reliving the same story. It's my job to break the cycle. I want to be the girl I paint myself out to be. I want to be the one my little siblings look up to. I want to be a role model. I want to be theres. All I want is their approval. I want them to see me, and say that's my sister. To all the people I want prove wrong I want to prove them right. I am the best big sister they could ever have. I want them to know they're my world.
I want to make my mom proud. I don't want to give her gifts in return for raising me. She's worth 1000xs more than that it'd be disrespectful. I want to give back. She is my inspiration, and has got me to where I am at today. She is my rock. We never say the words I love you to each other. It just isn't what we do. This move has made me realize how much I love and appreciate my mom. She raised me all on her own, and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. She's taught me that I don't need a man to do anything for me, or to keep me happy. She taught me that I can very much do everything on my own, and no one can ever tell me my worth. She's the smartest woman I know, and couldn't ask for a better role model.
She'e been my #1 supporter with my dance dreams since Day 1. She is the definition of a ride or die. For fact she will be right by my side till forever.
Things I want to change:
Someone asked me what, and how I'm going to change.
I need to change my attitude from looking at the negatives, and only seeing the positives. I need to stop dwelling on the past. Live. Learn. Let go. Focus on the future, and what's important to me in life.
I need to change my reactions. I need to listen, and hear out what someone is saying. I need to look, and act like I care. I do. I care a lot. I need to make it known. I can't just think someone is coming at me, but be open minded to the fact that all they're doing is helping me better myself. These past couple nights I have heard, and understood what I need to change. When I control my reactions I will see the outcomes I want. It's simple. I just have to do.
I need to change the silence. I'm crying out to be heard yet when asked I stay quiet. I'm not a quiet person never was, and never will be. I have always been hard to communicate with, and I want to work on my communication skills. If something is bothering me I can't hold back, or be afraid to open my mouth. Nothing will change, and I will never be heard. The better the communication. The better the relationship. Communication is key.